For I am Him

Can you say that to someone? Especially a man?
I wonder, when do you get to the point where enough is enough and you need to stop grieving over a loss, is there such a time or does it just come when you are not expecting?
I have come to the realization that the way somethings happen to us determines how easy we are to let go and move on. I have discovered that when you are expecting something, or you know that it is just a matter of time before it happens, and it does happen, you are more likely to just say oh well, I knew it was going to happen and you actually move on.
So true in terms of relationships or death. In 1991 when we lost my dad, it had been known for a while that he was going to die and everyone was sitting around the house waiting for this to happen. I was not too young to notice that everyone believed Dad was dying soon, so prepared myself for what was to come, a life without a father and an immediate appointment to the throne of 'Man of the House'.
Then when this came, aside from breaking down and being extremely sad for a few days, everyone returned to their normal routine and it was business as usual.
Life went on for several years. My siblings and I all grew up, some of us grew up away from home but most stayed home and saw our mother everyday and enjoyed the company of her as she accomplished many things.
I would talk to her on occasions, and I mean occasions and I will continue to regret this for the rest of my life, I really do wish I had talked to her more frequently. The sad thing is when I did call her, she was always so serious, inquired about my well-being and immediately wanted to rush me off the phone because she was conscious of how much it cost to make that International call.
The week that she died, I had talked to her on a Monday. She asked me how work was going and how the Masters program I was enrolled in was coming along. I assured her that work was fine, school was stressful but she did as she had always done throughout my academic career, encouraged me and said she had all the confidence in the world that if anyone could do this, It would be me. I told her I was going to be off work on Thursday and Friday because of Thanksgiving and she wished me a Happy Thanksgiving.
On the morning of Thanksgiving, while getting ready to go for the Thanksgiving dinner somewhere in NJ and was loading up the car for the trip, I received the call from my brother letting me know that Mother had suddenly past away within minutes of being rushed to the Hospital.

I was devastated.

I acted like a man, because I was expected to, because society expects you to. I went into withdrawal, withdrew myself from everyone I knew and started to deal with this alone. I would cry when I was alone in private places, but continued to smile and talk to people and say Thank You when they wished me well. It could also be the fact that I had no-one to talk to, and perhaps had the fear that going to the people close to me with this, would sound like I was being needy. I hate being needy or being taken for needy.

I did not make it home for the funeral but a week later I returned to my daily routine; Work, School, Sleep, Work and more school. I was doing well in school, I got a B+ in the Management Class I was taking in November because I just could not write that final paper the same weekend that my Mum died. I went on to graduate Magna Cum Laude. All this time, I just thought things were ok and I had moved on.

The day after graduation, I went home to go and erect a Tombstone on her grave. That was an emotional time for me, I broke down in front of a lot of people. Some strangers and some family, I recall my siblings joining in and someone trying to come over to tell us it was enough and my aunt said "No Leave them, let them mourn their mother" In a way It felt like this was going to be the last time I was going to cry, but boy was I wrong.
In 2011, my wife and I went to visit mother, and the sight alone of the Tombstone made me so teary-eyed, my chest felt heavily laden but yet again I managed to hold back and not cry in front of the people I was with. My wife noticed seemed at that time she was really the only one who cared.
As the days went by and we had returned from Home and back in our other home, there would be days when I would miss my mother so much and all I can do is cry silently.
In the last few weeks, I have been saying a prayer for God to keep me strong, every morning when I wake up to go for work. That is apparently when I remember my most, and I cry again.
So when will the crying end? Does it end?
And if it does end, am I just weak for not having moved on. Was I that attached to my mother? I say no. I was hardly ever home, and the times that I was home our interaction was quite short-lived.
So I struggle everyday, I struggle at the fact that it feels like I have held on; Held on for too long.

I cry.

Then I Cry some more.

I smile.
Because I know that God is my healer, this year, I am claiming my moment of healing. Exod 15:26.